For a second post in 24 hours (!) I decided to put together two general truths I have been encountering in sessions lately. Honestly, taken together, they cover a lot of ground.
1. Awareness sucks (at first).
This is behind the old therapy adage, “You (might) feel worse before you feel and get better.” #1 is one reason we have psychological defenses.
2. Don’t run away, try to blow up the situation, hide, etc. Pick your pain, to avoid suffering.
At least you have some control then. We see and feel pleasure-pain matrices coming again and again, and at each one, choices. Trade one for another in total or by degrees, but you can’t avoid all the pain and get all the joy. If you reflexively avoid one pain now just to get rid of anxiety, you might be setting yourself up for much more total pain over time. If you reflexively grab a pleasure now just to fill a feeling of emptiness or ‘lack’, it may lead to more total pain over time. Not wanting to do #2 is another reason we have psychological defenses.
Pick a pain-joy tradeoff, to end and prevent more suffering
Some call the special kind of drawn-out or excessive pain, suffering. As I was finalizing this post, I came upon the following video by psychologist Dr. Ana Yudin. Don’t let the video title put you off–she is simply creating a good headline. For one, she is saying that psychotherapy definitely works but not in the way our quick-fix culture would prefer. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uLyGf-TbGM
In the video, she notes that practically every mental health condition, on the psychological level, is defined not primarily by the pain the person encounters, but by the resistance to that pain the person presents. That resistance is what causes suffering. I agree. To make this clearer for you, the mental-emotional pain the person resists can be actual or predicted / imagined, and can be about the past, present, or future. Also, for a general audience, I would point out that often the person does not see the resistance as what it is.
We could each ask ourselves right now what inevitable or recent pain(s) we resist
If you can’t put your finger on it, maybe you would benefit from some live, human, trained help. That can help not only put your finger on it, but help you see it repeatedly in the narratives you bring in, and even as it sometimes occurs in session…until it all begins to sink in for you.
Awareness sucks at first but eventually we realize that we must pick one pleasure-pain tradeoff, versus another (or end up suffering more or longer than necessary). And then, eventually, we can accept and even utilize that fact. There is an alternation and balance between pain and joy and there is no getting out of it, deferring it, and so on. To try to do so is an illusion that will cost you more. This is a hated message at first–unless it’s kept purely intellectual. Intellectually, everyone ‘knows’ it’s true.
Reducing defenses, growing and tolerating awareness, picking pain over suffering
This situation is what makes the middle phase of truly in-depth, durable therapy and counseling longer–a length that is necessary but eventually healing and growth-promoting. Given that we are not at the center of everything, we eventually realize that awake pleasure-pain choice is the least-suffering option and that any accompanying pain can be managed. It is ultimately the way forward into owning your life, perceiving and having more relative control, and optimizing your pleasure-pain matrix as much as realistically possible.
This is a hard truth when it gets real. I never take it lightly and I work to compassionately introduce it at a manageable pace, providing support when it’s a lot to deal with. To learn more or seek some help, contact me today!
-Dr. Michael
Photos: Dimitri Svetsikas – pixabay Unknown – pixabay jump1987 – pixabay